Act One

Sculley enters the office. Mulder is sat at his desk, swamped in piles of paperwork, takeaway food cartons and half-empty cans of cola. His eyes are closed. He is wearing a pair of earphones and humming away to himself out-of-tune. Sculley clears her throat. Mulder opens his eyes, and reaching across the desk, turns off a Walkman. He looks up at her sheepishly.

        Sculley:

Nothing to do eh?

        Mulder:

Nope. Research. Listen to this (he proffers the earphones and Sculley accepts them reluctantly, puts them on. Mulder presses "play" on the Walkman.)

She listens to a few seconds worth and takes the 'phones off, it continues to play tinnily in the background.

        Sculley:

So? Sounds a like progressive rock composition, English in origin. Melodic and complex. Guitar-orientated with synthesisers and piano, accompanied with a subtle blend of drums and bass guitar. Very interesting. Not my sort of thing though. I prefer John Denver.

        Mulder:

Ah, so you might think. However this innocuous music may well be the clue to the greatest conspiracy in history.

(Sculley raises a sceptical eyebrow)

        Mulder:

The Humphead Conspiracy. Perhaps the clue to every mystery weíve ever investigated. (He gets out of his chair, goes to the fire-blackened filing cabinet, opens a drawer and takes out a folder. Sculley can see it is marked "H-Humphead Conspiracy. He opens the folder and places it across the desk, spilling a half-empty carton of cola across it.

The Grassy Knoll, why we fought in Vietnam, what really happened at Waco, alien abductions, why people watch Friends, how Reagan got elected...Hanger 51...the Roswell Incident. They might all be linked to a seemingly innocent progressive rock band from Guildford in England, called Camel.

        Sculley:

Come on Mulder, we went through all of this last year. We spent weeks investigating the Alan Parsons Project, because you thought it was either a secret weapons programme for a nuclear-powered hovercraft, or an alien death ray installation constructed on the Moon.

        Mulder: (eyes darting nervously now)

No honestly! This is genuine. Look, itís all on the Web. It must be true. Iíve been to a site with all the facts. Thereís just too much evidence. Hey look.

(He reaches across the table, disturbs several piles of paperwork which fall and scatter onto the floor. Sculleyís nose wrinkles. Judging by the stains under her colleagues armpits he hasnít washed for days.)

        Mulder: (pulling out two compact disks from under a report entitled "Todd Rungren-Alien Visitor?")

Ah, got them. This time Iíve secured the evidence for sure. No losing it this time at the end of an investigation. Iím sure someone crept in here last night.

        Sculley:

What, about 2am?

        Mulder:

Yeah. How did you know?

        Sculley:

It was the cleaning lady. You pulled your pistol on the one last week and had her strip-searched for a secret hyperspace alien transmitter. You bit her ankle to get her to bleed green blood.

        Mulder:

Yeah...well. Anyone can make a mistake.

        Sculley:

Sheís off work with a nervous breakdown, and her lawyers have slapped a ten million-dollar writ on the Bureau. Her ankles infected too. Donít you ever brush your teeth?

(Mulder grins weakly. He scurries around the desk and stands next to Sculley. She grimaces; he definitely hasnít washed for a week. He waves the CDís under her nose.

        Mulder:

Look. See?

(Sculley glances at the CDís and sighs, tapping her feet impatiently)

        Sculley:

What am I supposed to be looking at?

        Mulder: (a glint of madness in his eyes)

Itís obvious, canít you see?

(Sculley snatches the CDís out of his hand and steps back a pace to escape the smell)

        Sculley:

Ok. Youíve got two compact disks. One cover depicts an astronaut bound to a crucifix, descending to Earth, with the title caption "I Can See Your House From Here". Obviously a reference to the Monty Python film "Life of Brian" produced in the 1980ís, and also to a joke about Jesus on the Cross at Calvary also popular at the time. The other CD cover depicts a business-suit encased open shell, standing on a miniature Pacific Island, overlooked by Mount Fuji. Obviously a reference to a stranded Second World War Japanese soldier, torn unwillingly from his peaceful life by call-up into military service.

(She thrusts the CDís back into Mulders hands and crosses her arms. The tapping of her foot has gotten louder).

So?

        Mulder:

But thatís it! Look. The astronaut is a hint of the bands origins; obviously they have descended to Earth as prophets, intent on saving us. The other one tells us they are disguised in special robots, probably like executives at IBM. They can leave their disguises and walk amongst us. Japan is probably their base, because theyíre used to high technology like computers, and hi-fiís and GSM phones...and DVD, and...personal GPS systems...and...and... (His voice fades away).

(Sculley says nothing for a few seconds. A trail of spittle is running down Mulders mouth)

        Sculley:

You told the Chief about this?

         Mulder:

Yeah.

        Sculley:

And what did he say?

        Mulder: (sheepish)

He told me to take some time off, see the Bureau welfare officer.

        Sculley:

And?

        Mulder:

He put me on sick leave.

        Sculley:

Good idea. So thatís it. Iím glad weíve got that out of the way. Now Iíve got some more information on that serial...

        Mulder: (interrupting her, and snatching up his jacket from the coat-rack).

Hey, no way! Iíve hacked into the expenses account. (He reaches for his pistol laying, on his desk, wipes ketchup off the barrel, slides it into his holster).

Iíve got the tickets for the flight, booked the hire car. We leave straight away.

        Sculley:

Leave for where?

        Mulder:

Mountain View, California. The alien base camp. (He heads to the door, rushes out into the corridor)

Oh yeah! Donít forget to bring your MagLite!



© Brendan Newport
The characters and names Mulder & Sculley © Fox Television
The X-Files © Fox Television
The phrase "The Truth Is Out There" © Fox Television
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